


Hit Me

by Bellatrix_Wannabe_89



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 20:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17495144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellatrix_Wannabe_89/pseuds/Bellatrix_Wannabe_89
Summary: Amanda Rollins had always wanted to move to NYC but what she wanted more than anything was to work with HER; Olivia Benson. The savior of special victims. The blonde southerner was sure that Olivia would listen to her story about Patton, comfort her, help her, bear witness to her... Too bad Amanda never listened to that proverb that warns never meet your idol. One shot. Drabble





	Hit Me

**Author's Note:**

> Repost from FF.net. Inspired by the thoughts of Doc Sara & SVUwnyxER on twitter.

_Hit me._

_She took a short drag off of her cigarette as the dealer laid down a 2 of Hearts, bringing up her blackjack total to seven._

Amanda Rollins always wanted to move to New York City. When she was a kid a large frayed ripped poster of the magnificent city dawned her side of the room until the day she left for college, something her Papa had given her before he left to go get milk. He never came back.

She had a plan. Four years at The University of Georgia majoring Criminology, a few years as a patrol officer then off to New York City for what she thought would be Computer Crimes.

Amanda never had any sort of calling to work with victims of sex crimes, she wasn't really an advocate for anything, she had never even volunteered anywhere besides at the local animal shelter, she didn't even call herself a feminist really because she had never actually done anything active to advance the idea that women were equal to men...

Then in her last year of college she needed one more Criminal Justice Elective to complete her degree. White Collar Crime met at eight a clock in the morning and that was far too early and History of Forensic Science overlapped with another class she needed to graduate with so she choose Sex Crimes which met at a convenient 11:30 in the afternoon and she had a free slot an hour in both directions.

_Hit me._

_Three of Hearts. Thirteen._

The very first class she knew she had found her calling. A passion surged inside of her simply by listening to the lectures, something she had experienced with no other class before. The statistics were horrifying and she often had nightmares during her first few weeks when she would read the text book, sometimes just for fun, before sleep. The stories of men and women not getting justice, being brutalized and then being judged for things that no other crime victim would have ever been judged on, the facts that some states still had practically medieval laws concerning victims... Every new fact she learned she was both in awe and disgusted. She had to do something about this. She had to make a difference in these victim's lives.

Amanda had to work in this field. She had too, she didn't care what kind of extra training she would have to do, she would do it and then some. Come hell or high-water she would work in Special Victims Unit.

One of the assignments was find a recent sex crimes case and summarize it. Amanda, wanting to go above and beyond in this class, decided not only would she summarize the case but if possible she would write to the lead Detective and ask for her input on it. She scoured the internet, looking for a particular case to catch her interest, one that she could write more than a simple two paragraph essay on and she finally found one.

A man had raped several Chinese women and a first it looked like the makings of a hate crime but then it turns out the man was half Chinese himself who had been hated by his own family who found him disgusting because he was also half black. Not only that but his attorney had brought up the fact that since his father was a rapist, he wasn't responsible for his actions, that it was genetics that made him violent, not his choices.

It was perfect. It had family drama, a controversial issue for her to touch on regarding the so called violent gene, it had been covered by the media fairly well, and it had happened in her dream city.

So Amanda did a bit more research and found out the lead Detective on the case.

An intelligent strong woman named Olivia Benson.

She emailed Olivia, telling her not only about the assignment and asked for her own opinions on the case and to tell her what the news stations didn't report but also that she wanted to work in SVU one day, more specifically the same precinct where she worked; Manhattan SVU.

It took less than a day for Olivia to reply. Not only did she answer her questions in a two-page word document, although she was annoyingly silent on the opinion of rather or not genes caused someone to rape, something Amanda had specifically asked for her opinion on since she had worked in SVU for so long but since she gave her so much else regarding the case she wasn't too upset.

But along with answering her questions Olivia had sent her yet another lengthy document detailing what it was like working in SVU, how it impacted you as not only a human being but a woman as well, what kind of cases (turns out they dealt with far more than just black and white rape) they investigated.

Olivia talked about what it meant to be an SVU Detective, how you believe your victim no matter what, that sometimes you're the only person that they trust enough to tell, that you are the only ones fighting for her, that you may be the only one not judging her or questioning her about what she was wearing or how many drinks she had... You are her advocate, you fight for her, you believe her. So many times rapists go unpunished or uncaught and as an SVU detective sometimes just taking her hand and telling her how proud you are of her for surviving day by day may be the only thing that keeps her from taking her life.

She had also sent her several different links that Amanda could check out, from more SVU detectives talking about their time in the squad to the actual application for the additional training you needed to work for NYPD SVU.

Then she signed off with 'I believe when the time comes you'll make a great addition to our team, Amanda, and I look forward to working with you one day.'

The blonde college senior was hooked. She had practically squealed in delight when she read that last line of the email. This woman, this amazing strong fantastic woman, who had solved over 80 sex crimes at that point and was already being featured in articles and news stories that Amanda read and reared vigorously about how incredibly dedicated she was, how she fought so gallantly for victims of sex crimes, how she had a 94% arrest rate which was staggeringly higher than the national average... Olivia Benson was a real life superhero and Amanda would give ANYTHING to work beside her.

_Hit me._

_A six of Clubs. Nineteen. She stayed._

Amanda was determined to work alongside Olivia Benson in Manhattan. She had followed her career closely, never again working up the courage to contact her again. She didn't want Olivia to think of her as some obsessed psycho fan or something like that. She watched as Olivia rose in rank from third class Detective to second and finally one, gaining more notoriety and fame but she never changed. The brunette woman still fought for victims, she still was their savior, she still did everything she could to be a hero for these men and women whose lives had been uprooted because of rape and violence.

There had been a handful of times where Olivia had been put in danger, one time a man who escaped prison took her hostage, another time she was almost shot by some twelve-year-old cult member. Once she had even stayed on the phone with a victim of sex trafficking for ten hours while they worked to rescue her.

Amanda wanted to be that dedicated. She wanted to work that hard for her victims. She started to take the courses that would help her out on her days off. She saved up to take online courses that weren't necessary but would look good on her resume. Soon enough she saved up the money to where she could take the actual 12-week course to work SVU. Yes, it would be Georgia based instead of New York but her research assured her that it was fine. It wasn't the where that mattered, it was the content that was taught, and she loved every single moment of her classes, receiving the highest grades in the written parts at least.

She was going to do it. She was finally going to be able to not only live her own life but follow her very own dreams...

_The House gets dealt nine of spades and Ace of Hearts. Twenty. The House wins._

_Another twenty chip tossed onto the table just as quick as the last one is taken._

In books sometimes rape is almost described as passionate. Using intelligent sounding words mixed with crass ones but nevertheless it's almost artistic how writers sometimes describe the crime. In movies it's shown as terrifying. The woman screams, the man pants, she gets a few bruises, maybe one or two well placed cuts, but its more to scare the audience then to represent what really truly happens.

No one tells you how unbelievably messy and truly disgusting rape is.

No one tells you about his sweat dripping down onto your skin, how your own cold sweat is making your body and his body slippery like you both bathed in lubricant before he attacked you. They don't show the sloppy wet kisses that leave wet marks on your skin, no one describes the slap of his body against yours, his hot wet panting against your ear, the fact that he's a messy ejaculator and he cums not only inside you but all over your person as well.

No one ever tells you about how the feel of your own blood that runs down your leg afterwards that's mixed with his fluids makes you want to scream and want to wash yourself in the shower until your skin turns red and raw.

Every book she read, every class she attended mentioned the shame and disgust. The guilt the victims felt afterwards and she thought, if it ever happened to her, she would be able to live with it. She would just tell herself it wasn't her fault, that he deserves no shame or blame for what happened, that she would just get over it.

Amanda Cheyenne Rollins had never lied to herself that horrifically bad before.

The blonde officer knew she should have told someone but she couldn't. Who would believe her? She had a bit of a reputation already just because she had dated a fair number of cops in her precinct... who would believe she hadn't wanted what happened?

She had no one to tell her they believed her, that they were there for her, no one to fight for her, no one to look her in the eye and assure her this wasn't her fault.

Amanda had no Olivia Benson.

That was what kept her sane. Her words, rereading the articles, rewatching the interviews... The weekend after it happened a speech that Amanda had never seen popped up in her search engine. The day that Amanda had been assaulted Olivia had gave a speech at a sexual violence seminar for SVU cops all around the US; and it was on the right way to treat victims of these types of attacks. Olivia said they had to be believed until the evidence was irrefutable that they were lying, that they had to be listened too, respected, shown compassion... All of which had eluded Amanda in the days following her assault.

She said not only did SVU officers have a responsibility to not only solve the whodunit part of the case but to also try to help recover the bit of soul and spirit that the rapist had stolen from his victim.

Then she spoke directly to any victim that was in the audience; that she saw them. She believed them. She would never question what had happened that night and she would ALWAYS fight on their behalf.

Amanda had never wept as hard as she had when she heard that. It was like she was speaking directly to the blonde officer herself.

Even though she had no plans to report it, her goals kept her going, kept her strong. She would get out of Atlanta one day and help all those other victims that had been without their Olivia.

She did manage to live with it for a while, pretend nothing happened, went to work, ignored Patton as best she could and continue on with her goals.

But when her fellow officers started the rumors, that she intentionally slept with Patton just to advance her career, that she had actually WANTED what that fat pig had forced on her, that was too much. That's when the gambling started back up again. Listening to Olivia's words and gambling were the only things that kept her mind off of what had happened to her. It was the only time her mind wasn't replaying over and over what Patton had done to her. She knew it was dangerous to go back down that road again but she didn't care. It was either gamble, or do something a lot more stupid and a lot more permanent...

_Dealer deals her a five of clubs and a six of hearts. Eleven._

_Hit me._

Amanda learned that Captain Cragen was not what you would call a tech savvy kind of guy. He lasted five minutes into the interview over the webcam where Amanda could only see the left side of his face he sat so close and then accidently minimizing the screen and unable to get her picture back up before he told her he would just call her and conduct a phone interview.

He was the only person who didn't mention the 'rumors' of what happened in Atlanta…

She didn't care though rather the interview was by phone, internet, in person… she was moving to New York City to live her dream job and work side by side with her mentor.

The night Amanda got home after she put in the transfer papers, she sobbed. Not for the fact she was leaving Atlanta but because of what Patton had said to her; 'Aw you're tryin' to leave me? Now what am I gonna do without my best gal?'

Her papa had called her that before he left. Kim was his best princess, Amanda was his best gal. Then when HE called her that and she could do nothing but force a smile to her lips like she was remotely upset to leave the hell hole that Atlanta had become? She wanted to throw up right there in his office.

But he put the papers through and his higher-ups approved them. Then it was just a waiting game to see if New York would accept her.

One of her squad mates who was sure beyond a reasonable doubt that she was actively sleeping with both Patton and the people who made the transferring decisions asked her once who she 'sunk her hooks into' to get transferred. Amanda just shook her head, told Patton she wasn't feeling well and was going home and stormed out before, the first time in a while, going to the casino in the middle of the day.

During that time, she looked for apartments online and she found the cutest little one bedroom right in Manhattan. It was expensive but Amanda had saved every single dime she could for the move and she could afford a down payment and the first three months' rent. The day after Amanda agreed to come see it when she moved she got the call that not only was her transfer approved by both states but Manhattan SVU had agreed to hire her.

She didn't even waste a goodbye at her precinct.

A suitcase full of clothes, some of her photos and diplomas, her furniture donated to the goodwill and she and Franny were gone and heading to New York City.

_Three of hearts. Fourteen. Hit me._

Her first day was chaotic to say the least. A diplomat raped a hotel maid and she had driven with Cragen to the crime scene. She showed off her detective skills to the CSUs and the fellow Detectives there but the one person she was desperate to impress wasn't anywhere in site but no matter; she would meet her soon. Amanda noticed that for a unit involving sex crimes there were surprisingly few women which was good, at least in her point of view. That just meant that Olivia was probably looking for a female companion; someone to share stories with, have drinks with, talk to regarding issues she couldn't talk about to her male companions…

Then when the time was right, Amanda would tell her what happened. Olivia would listen and tell her it wasn't her fault; how wrong it was for Patton to do that. She wouldn't ask her about how many drinks she had or ask how many times she had to get on her back to get the transfer approved… she would hear her story, she would believe her, she would see her for who she was.

Amanda had been back from the crime scene almost five hours and was filling out administrative paperwork when Olivia and the victim walked in.

The precinct grew silent as they all stared at the victim who had claimed that an international delegate had assaulted her. She was standing beside her, her hand on her shoulders like she could protect her from the looks and stares and unasked questions.

She was taller than what Amanda pictured, at least 5'8 without heels and she had on thick four inch black wedges to make her even more towering. She wasn't thin or athletic looking; she was thick with natural curves the women in Amanda's family could only dream of possessing.

Everything about her screamed power from her classy but professional attire to the way she walked that commanded the entire room. Cragen may have had the title of Captain but Olivia Benson was the one in charge.

Amanda felt her heart begin to flutter as Olivia sent the victim off to a private interview room and headed towards Cragens office. Shaking a bit, she got up and went over to her, repeating the same thing she told herself when she got that first email so long ago.

Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out…

"Detective Benson?"

Olivia turned around just as Amanda stuck out her hand.

"Amanda Rollins."

Olivia shook her hand, not surprisingly, with a strong firm handshake.

"Ah, transfer from Dallas right?"

"Right! Well, Atlanta," she corrected with a smile to let her know no harm done. Really the south was all the same anyway. "You like Gastazio for this?" the blonde asked, expecting the senior Detective to go over the evidence with her piece by piece together, explain her reasoning for it all in excruciating detail.

Instead she looked at Amanda as if she just asked her if two plus two equaled four. "Uh, he was there."

Olivia shot her a smile that had a twinge of annoyance and turned away again.

Amanda's heart began to race even more; she couldn't let her first meeting with her mentor end with her looking like some inexperienced detective who couldn't see what Olivia clearly assumed was obvious guilt.

The blonde quickly stammered some words even she didn't know what they were making Olivia turn back and giving her a look of 'wait you're still talking?'

"I just wanted to let you know I'm really happy to be here," Amanda said with a rather fangirlish smile. "I studied a lot of your cases, I used some of the stuff you did on the Brown case, the infant homicide?"

Instead of appearing flattered or remotely interested in discussing her cases Olivia just nodded, obviously not paying attention to a single word Amanda had said. "Yeah, I haven't briefed the Captain yet so thank you."

The brunette finished with a light shoulder touch and the quickest flash of a luke warm smile before she turned and headed into the office.

_Two of Diamonds. Sixteen. Hit me._

Amanda struggled not to feel hurt or upset over the meeting which had gone nothing like any scenario she had concocted in her head. She had flat out ignored her; she couldn't even remember what city she had transferred from.

But, as she sat there at her desk working on paperwork she thought about it. She had sent hours talking to the victim, holding her hand, coaxing the details out of her in a way that only Olivia knew quite how to do and it was a very high profile case. Of course she would be distracted, all of her focus was on the victim.

A smile grew back to Amanda's face, albeit a little smaller than it had been previously. One distracted meeting wouldn't set the tone for their entire relationship. In fact, Amanda was sure that Olivia would come and apologize for being so rushed earlier and ask the blonde about herself. It would be perfect.

Amanda didn't see Olivia the rest of the day. Both women were too busy doing their respected work to really discuss anything and by the time Amanda went home, the blonde was sure that tomorrow would be better.

The next day however Amanda arrived bright and early, before Olivia even, with a box of office supplies she had purchased when she got home from work. She had always been a bit on the messy side but Amanda was determined to make New York a new starting point so, in the interest of saving space just for now while she organized everything to her specification, she set the box she had brought with her along with the one she brought from home yesterday that she never had a chance to set up on the desk across from Olivia's. It looked occupied but one of the unis told her that the guy who used it shot a kid and quit three months prior so if Amanda wanted to use that desk as extra while she figured everything out to feel free.

As she organized the different files into their respected places she noticed that Cragen was talking to two men in suits which he looked less than thrilled at. Amanda didn't give them a second glance and worked diligently on her desk until she noticed Olivia walked in the precinct. The blonde looked up and offered her a friendly smiled but the brunette didn't even notice because he second she saw the two suits emerge from Cragen's office she stormed in there without so much as a knock or bothering to close the door.

She tried not to overhear the conversation but it was difficult due to the fact Olivia had raised her voice significantly. Amanda couldn't help but be impressed. She could never imagine ANYONE talking to Patton the way Olivia was talking to Cragen right now.

It was obvious who ran SVU and it was not the man sitting behind the desk...

Her mentor was yelling something about IAB wanting to make a detective, Elliot she believed the name was, who had six shootings, Amanda's eyes went wide at that because even for the NYPD that was a lot, go through hoops to even attempt to get his gun back.

Olivia obviously not only disagreed with the fact IAB was looking at the shooting negatively but disagreed about making the man who had pulled the trigger go through psych and counselling and all that.

She was pissed. Very pissed, and when she stormed out of Cragens office the look on her face made that fact all the more evident.

She streamlined for her own desk, wrenching out her chair to sit down when she noticed the two cardboard boxes on the desk adjacent to hers. Olivia looked over at Amanda and pointed towards the boxes. "Are these yours?"

Amanda almost winced at the sound of her voice, like she was personally offended by the presence of the boxes on what Amanda assumed was her partners desk. The blonde swallowed hard and nodded.

"Yeah, I just, I kept them there for now while I sorta organized mine."

Olivia shook her head in disgust before she stormed over and grabbed one of the boxes and slammed it down on Amanda's desk, making the blonde wince.

"This is your desk," Olivia snapped at her. "That is someone else's," she said harshly, doing the same thing with the other and making one of the contents made of glass inside break. "Your things go here, nowhere else. Who the hell told you it was okay to put your stuff there?"

Amanda started to stammer out an answer, her heart slamming hard against her chest. She didn't see why it was a big deal but obviously her mentor did.

"Someone uses that," Olivia interrupted before Amanda could get a solid word out. "Okay, I don't know what they did in Mississippi or wherever the hell you're from but in New York we respect other people's property." Olivia jabbed a finger at Elliot's desk. "Keep away from that desk. Did you understand that, Detective, or am I going to have to speak to you about this again?"

Now she was fighting back tears. Not trusting herself to speak Amanda just nodded, using all of her strength to control her lip tremor.

Olivia turned away from her and stormed away from the desk, leaving Amanda standing there her body shaking, her face red hot with embarrassment. A second later she noticed that half the precinct had gone silent and was looking at her. Amanda cleared her throat and continued to set up her folders in the folder holder she bought, not looking up until she heard the rest of the precinct erupt in to muttered whispers over what had just happened.

_Six of Hearts. Twenty-two. Bust._

It was all a lie. Everything she had ever thought about this woman was just one big lie, she had yelled at Amanda, a victim even if she didn't know it yet, just because she put her boxes on some stupid desk. Fin, her new partner, told Amanda afterwards that's not how Olivia normally acted, that she was having a tough few days but that was bullshit. She had been raped by a man she had worked with and she didn't snap at innocent people who had done nothing wrong, especially not people who had idolized them and watched their career since freaking college…

She could never tell Olivia the truth now. What if she just snapped at her for not fighting back or for not being brave enough to tell someone? Obviously she wasn't above freaking out on people for perceived slights…

Fin tried to tell her that Olivia was really a good person who was more passionate about SVU then probably every other detective working there, including himself, combined. He was convinced she would someday lead the squad, that Olivia would apologize to her for yelling, that she was someone you could tell anything to if you were that type of person… Everything Amanda had read and thought about her Fin was trying to convince her was real and everything would be alright. She had a rough time with change, Fin explained. A very rough time. Amanda wasn't the first person Olivia had barked at due to the fact they were, in the brunette's mind, trying to replace someone they cared about but eventually she accepted it and grew to be friends with them. Amanda wasn't quite sure what he meant, she wasn't replacing anybody, she wasn't even her partner.

To convince her further Fin invited Amanda out for drinks and, triple assuring her that Olivia would be in a better mood and that Amanda could talk to her as a friend. Even with all that happening the blonde reluctantly agreed. Just sitting down and talking to her was all she had wanted to do…

So she went to the bar where Olivia was already sitting and on the phone to someone and she was what looked like already through a bottle of beer. "I don't wanna stalk you, but if you need to talk I'm here…"

Amanda went with Munch to the bar, not quite sure how to play it. She had been berated by the woman that morning and hadn't spoken a word to her since. Did she go to the veteran or did she wait for Olivia to come to her?

As she stood there with the oldest out of the group Amanda couldn't help but overhear the conversation between Olivia and Fin.

"So what's her story?" asked Olivia with a slight judgmental tone. "She must have some hooks to be transferred here from Atlanta."

That was it. She was done.

She excused herself from Munch with the guise of going outside to smoke but she was done.

Olivia, the so called 'savior of special victims' was nothing more than a mean yelling judgmental cop. No different than the ones in Atlanta. She didn't even get to know her yet was already convinced she slept her way to New York, same as the assholes in Atlanta thought. Forget believing that she did it through hard work and determination; nope, she was a young thin pretty blonde so she HAD to use sex to get what she wanted…

She wanted to quit. At least when she was mocked in Atlanta for what they perceived her to be at least she had SOME friends and a familiar setting. Here she was just a nameless face in the crowd…

Amanda quickly googled the address of the place she wanted to go and she was on her way, not telling anyone in her new squad where she was going. Two subway rides, ten minutes of walking and she was where she needed to be.

Her mentor had let her down. She didn't have Olivia's words to comfort her anymore, or the scenarios where Olivia would comfort her and tell her everything was alright. That was all a lie and a sham that the brunette put on for the cameras. Amanda had nothing.

Nothing besides the one thing that she knew would always be there, always helped her, always distracted her from the memories and flashbacks that threatened to take her over every single day for at least a few minutes…

Amanda sat down in one of the free chairs and handed the man the fifty she had earmarked for going out with her squad tonight.

"Changing fifty," the dealer shouted to no one in particular before handing Amanda her chips. As was her custom she lit one of her cigarettes before she promptly threw a red chip worth ten onto the table.

Three of hearts and two of diamonds were her initial cards.

_Hit me._

_She took a short drag off of her cigarette as the dealer laid down a 2 of Hearts, bringing up her blackjack total to seven._

Amanda Rollins always wanted to move to New York City….


End file.
